Essential relationship advice
"You're always responsible for what you've tamed. "
What is the essential relationship advice?
Relationships are essential sources of happiness (or misery) in a human life. There are countless books, magazines, articles and videos on how to improve relationships with others. However the essential relationship advice is limited to a few principles: responsibility, care, communication and time.
Essential advices to improve your relationships:
Responsibility
- Accept that relationships are a joint responsibility. As such, avoid the "blame game", and be proactive to take responsibility and actions to make the relationship work. It's tempting to charge the other person, or inversely only yourself, for all the challenges of the relationship.
- Think win win: seek common solutions that are beneficial for both parties, even if it comes with some concessions from each one. As Stephen Covey demonstrated, if you really care for your self and for the other person, avoid the common pitfall of accepting "I lose-you win" or imposing "I win-you lose". The imbalance may be acceptable in the short term, but in the long term it will damage trust, which is one of the foundations of relationships.
Care
- A simple essential principle on relationships: treat others as you'd like to be treated. In other words, be faithful if you expect commitment, be comprehensive if you want to be comprehended, trust if you'd like to be trusted. That famous quote "you only get what you give" applies to relationships as well.
- Remember that nobody is perfect, including yourself. So be patient and accept some aspects of other people can't be changed, can you cope with that? To respect and admire how other people are is the first step to be respected and admired for what you are as well. The secret for healthy long term relationships is to find someone who we're able to accept and be accepted with all our lovely imperfections.
- Keep an eye on the emotional bank account, another interesting concept introduced by Stephen Covey. Basically it means we all take account of positive and negative experiences with other people, which are similar to credits and debits in a bank account. The credits are: being kind, keeping promises, offering apologies, seeking first to understand, being loyal to the absent, etc. And the debits are the opposite: violating expectations, breaking promises, being rude and disloyal and so on... Reflect and respond: what is the bank account balance of your most important relationships in your life?
Communication
- Listen first, truly. Communication is not only putting our ideas across to someone. What we often neglect is the other half of communication, which is listening and truly understanding others through their point of view and values. Don't assume everyone thinks and acts like you do. Effective communication happens when we're open and willing to understand (or question when in doubt), what our friends / partner / colleagues / relatives / etc are telling us. Listening means hearing + understanding. If we're able to do that effectively, others will appreciate and understand our point of view as well.
- Understand differences between men and women. The book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" argues men tend to be more action oriented whereas women are more feeling oriented, therefore it pays to understand, accept and adjust your reaction to different behaviors. For example, if you're man and a woman is talking about a situation or problem, just listen and ask about her feelings. Resist the temptation of offering a prompt solution, that's not what she needs. Another example, if you're woman, and the man is quiet, don't assume he has a problem with you. He might just be "in his cave", thinking about solutions to his problems and will be back soon.
Time
- Share a balanced routine. Make your relationships stronger by spending time together on the day to day. Make an effort to nurture your relationships.
- Innovate, escape the routine. As important as spending time in frequent recurring activities is to breakaway occasionally to do something different. Make a surprise, have dinner somewhere new, travel to a nice place, buy a gift for no special reason...
- Relationships grow intense and solid when you share and live the ups and downs of life together. Share dreams and fight for them together. Similarly help each other to overcome challenges and setbacks. Together we're stronger specially in the best and worst moments of our lives.
Essential self improvement resources to improve relationships:
- List: Essential top 10 books on relationships
- Book: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
- Book: Men are from Mars / Women from Venus by John Gray, essential principles to understand why men and women are different
- Video: Excellent video on people leadership - Coaching for People, not Points by John Wooden:
